I am that love

I will often sit and reflect on my life and just as often, mum.

Tonight I was thinking of my mother and her love for me when I realised something. A secret desire and wish of mine. Well it's not so much a wish but more so something I strive for always. And that is ...

For my boys to feel as loved by me as I did by my mum.

And that there is why I parent the way I do. I always carry her love with me. I remember how no matter what I did, whether it wrong, right, or stupid, I still felt so incredibly loved by her. Always.

Was one of the most beautiful things I've experienced.

I miss her love some days, mainly the days I'm needing it most but then I remember ... I am that love now. It's been passed on to me heart emoticon

Free Coffee. On Me.

Someone was treated to a free coffee today. I don't know who they were or what they ordered, all I know is that it was on me.

I wanted to do something nice for someone and randomly whilst at the shops today went to buy myself a chai latte. I've heard about the people buying coffees for others before, a pay it forward type movement, but have never done it myself. Today I did.

I bought my chai latte and whilst it was being made tried to build up my nerve to do it. The cafe was empty at the time which helped me as I knew I could gift the coffee anonymously.

I looked at the menu and noticed regular/medium sized coffees were $4 and checked my purse and I had $4. So as the young guy called my name and handed me my chai latte I handed him the $4 and told him I wanted to buy the next persons coffee. He looked shocked and said "Are you sure?" I told him I was and handed him the $4 explaining that I noticed medium coffees were $4 and most people would probably order that size and asked him to gift the next person who did with the free coffee. My only condition was that he tell them a stranger had paid for their coffee today as an act of kindness to make their day.

Well you should have seen this young guys face! It completely lit up and his smile was so genuinely happy and I bet couldn't wait to do it. That there was worth it for me. He told me I was so kind and I told him I like to do this sort of thing occasionally to show others there is kindness in this world.

It was only small act I know but can you imagine how much it would have made that next persons day? I also hope the young guy today shares what happened and maybe even some day feels inspired to do the same.

Try it some time. You won't be disappointed!

You Deserve It!

 Earlier today I was in a store purchasing a birthday gift for a friend and had a choice of two items. One was cheaper and overall packaged nicer to give as a gift, the other more expensive and in my opinion better.

I stood there for a moment and decided whether or not go with the more pricey item and splurge, or the cheaper one and save. I picked up the cheaper one and went to walk away when I stopped, put it back and grabbed the expensive one.

My reasoning ... she deserves it and deserves to be spoilt. I thought about this more later that day and realised that we all deserve to be spoilt, each and every one of us and that includes me. But how many of us actually do? I also wandered if I were buying the item for myself which I would choose?

So splurge and spoil. It’s a service to you. Its loving to you and you my dear deserve it.

I understood.

My 5 year old wet his pants yesterday. It doesn't happen often (in fact it may have been his first time) but what I love is. I didn't react nor get mad. I understood.

Then just moments later when dealing with this mess I hear glass breaking. He has accidentally broken a glass. Again I didn't get mad, nor yell. I understood.

He didn't mean to do either one of those things and I knew he was sorry (his tears and crying told me this) so why yell or be angry?

If I had yelled at him and been mad it would achieve nothing but instill fear in him and result in me feeling crap. So I didn't.

If I had yelled and criticized him it would teach him it is WRONG to make a mistake. It would teach him it is BAD to make mistakes. Not its not. Mistakes happen and you know what ... I've broken quite a few glasses in my time and never once did I hit or yell at myself!

So instead I asked him how we can fix the problem to make it better and together we picked up the broken glass. This teaches him that when you make a mistake its ok, but you then need to try and fix the mistake and rectify it.

Mistakes happen and our children will make many. And they are not bad or evil little people for doing so. They are simply learning their way in this world like we all are, one break at a time.

Valentines Day Love

This day can always bring up mixed emotions for me but in the past few years it’s gotten better. No man has ever told me they love me. My father has and still does (just about daily bless him ) but no one outside my immediate family.

This can do a lot to your self esteem and for many years it has. It had me believing I am unlovable, worthless, and something was somehow wrong with me.

Not any more though because in recent years I have learnt that I do not need another person to love me in order for me to feel loved. I do not need another person to say “Your amazing Nicole" "I love you Nicole" "You mean so much to me Nicole” to feel loved because I already do, I love me.

For years I waited for the outside world to tell me how great I was. And I would have continued waiting but in the past 3-4 years I got over waiting and decided to loving me despite what others told me.

Who I am is not what others tell me I am. I am me, the girl I’ve always been who I am learning to love. It's her I share this day with.

To all those who have a valentine to share this day with enjoy them, love them and cherish every word they tell you. Cherish every action of love they give you but always remember that even if they didn’t you are still just as worthy, still just loved, and always, always, worthy of being loved.

Be You. Everyone Else Is Already Taken

I’ve recently come to learn that there is no point in being anyone except who you are. So many of us try to be someone were not. We do it without even realising…

When you meet a new friend, apply for a new job or start dating someone new. You do it. We all do it ... be the person we think they want us to be not the person we are.

In the past I have done this. Believe me I have done this… I remember as a young girl pretending to like all sorts of things I didn’t just so he would accept me, love me and want to be with me. I remember pretending to be into hot rods and heavy metal music once. SO not me!!!!

But what I have learnt and what I know now is there is no way you can keep that shit up! The years and time I have wasted in my past turning myself into another’s persons view of me is crazy.

Now though, now I am me and you can love me or hate me but I am me, this is who I am and there is nothing more freeing than to be just that.

Be yourself everyone else is already taken.

When The Lasagna Hits The Fan...

Tonight as I was making dinner the above happened. Ok not so dramatic but you get the idea.

I managed to spill and splatter the contents of an entire pot of bolognese sauce all over my kitchen cupboards, walls, floors and myself. There was a time in my life where I would have been mad. Where I would have blamed everyone within close proximity, yelled, sworn and it would have ruined my day. I'd have been angry for hours. Now, nope, not a thing.

As it happened I smiled and thought 'Oh well, great excuse to clean those cupboards!'. I even surprised myself with this thought and how far I've come. I don't know who or what puts these thoughts into my head but I love them. I much prefer these thoughts than the thoughts I use to possess. The thoughts of fear, anger and blame!

Today I was again reminded that you CAN your thoughts. It takes practice, it requires discipline but its possible and so worth it.

NEVER be ashamed to cry.

I love how in the moments I’m feeling sad, upset or down my children always lift me.

I had such moments today but I am proud to admit that instead of taking it out on everyone else I removed myself and found solace in the bathroom (which seems to be my going to place) and had a good cry.  

Its only something I have recently learnt to do – cry. Previously whenever I felt like crying I would try not to. I would force it away with all my might as I didn’t want to experience the pain of crying. But what I’ve learnt is that it doesn’t go away and instead returns disguised as anger!

I also dislike the sensation of not crying, the feeling it creates from holding it back to me is more painful than it is to cry. So today, I cried. On my own and it felt good.

We should all try and cry more in particular men. I feel for men who are taught and told not to cry. Told that crying is only for girls and babies. No. Let me correct this horrid belief, crying is for HUMANS, crying is an inbuilt ability that we have all been given. Crying is healthy. Crying is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength. It takes a different kind of strength to cry a strength from deep within that knows your safe do so and that everything will be better when you do.

So today I am grateful to have released the tears that needed to be shed as I know they wont return later in ways I don’t want them to and I feel better, more refreshed and peaceful for doing so.

Do You Know Best?

Today I gave my youngest boys pikelets for lunch. My 17 month old had Jam and Cream – the only way to have them and my 4 year old, well he wanted vegemite and cream. 

I was about to say no and tell him that he had to have jam and cream as vegemite and cream would be disgusting and that it was a silly idea. But I stopped myself and thought about it and how often I do this. How often I insist that ‘my’ way is the right way. That I know best. I do, but I only know what’s best for ME, not others. 

Personally I couldn’t think of anything worse on a pikelet than vegemite and cream but for my 4 year old perhaps it was the best combo ever. So I made it - vegemite and cream and he ate the whole thing. 

Had I made him what I wanted and thought he should have had what would this tell him? On a deep level it would tell him that he doesn’t know what’s best for him, that he should always do what others tell him to do and not what he wants to do. Not a message I want to be teaching my boys…

I do it so often to, insist my way is right and that I know best, but I’m slowly learning and re teaching myself that I only know what’s best for me and not others.

Caged Birds

I like to believe I live with an open heart. So open it hurts. I cry for others pain, I cry for the innocent, I cry for guilty but I also love like I’ve never loved before.

My latest pain is caged birds. No bird should ever be caged!  A Bird is born to fly, to spread its wings and do what it was born to do. A bird wasn’t given wings to sit in a cage.

I know a caged bird. He sits in the nursing home I visit. He is so sad. He hardly chirps, only ever occasionally when he spots his own reflection in the mirror. He thinks for a moment he has company and is happy, it is short lived as he soon remembers he sits alone . He sits awaiting his own death never flying at all, never having felt wind beneath his wings.  

Again I am only one person but how can I make this better? How can I stop the madness of the world we live in? A world that cages birds! Why? Because they make good ornaments and decorations? Or is their company that we seek, yet how often is that company shared?

If you own a caged bird when was the last time you really looked at him or her. What did you see? I doubt you saw peace in his eyes…

Tonight I pray that no bird shall ever be caged and that the birds that are, fly free.

The Best Place To Be

Whilst in the kitchen tonight making dinner my eldest son asked me “Mum where is the best place to be” he told me to guess.

As soon as he asked me I had an idea of what his answer would be however I thought I would be smart and cheeky and answered “right here at home with mum”. He said “no” and that I had two more guesses as I had three. I’ll admit a part of me was a little hurt as secretly I was hoping that that was his answer. That his favourite place to be was at home with me.

So as I was running out of guesses I thought I would just guess it, what I assumed was his answer. So I answered “the best place to be is Disneyland or a place with lots of rides and rollercoaster’s”. He said “no”. I was shocked. I honestly thought that would be it.

So I was down to my last guess and I couldn’t think of the best place to be that my eldest (as an almost 7 year old) would want to be.  So I thought I’d answer it with my answer.

I said “the best place to be is with god”.

My eldest then looks at me as says a big “Yes”.

 I couldn’t believe it. I think I almost fainted. First that I had gotten the answer right but more so that this was his answer. Something so wise and well beyond his 6 and bit years.

I later asked my eldest why he had asked this question as it was such a random thing to come out with. I asked him if had learnt this at school today as I assumed he must have had religion today. He said that no one told him this he just knows.

Isn’t that just beautiful. Whether you believe in god or not there is truth in that. That the best place to be is with that part of ourselves that never dies. That part that knows, that source from which we all come,  and from which we will all return. What a beautiful insight by a 6 year old and what a gift it was to me. Bless that boy and his heart so pure.