I am that love

I will often sit and reflect on my life and just as often, mum.

Tonight I was thinking of my mother and her love for me when I realised something. A secret desire and wish of mine. Well it's not so much a wish but more so something I strive for always. And that is ...

For my boys to feel as loved by me as I did by my mum.

And that there is why I parent the way I do. I always carry her love with me. I remember how no matter what I did, whether it wrong, right, or stupid, I still felt so incredibly loved by her. Always.

Was one of the most beautiful things I've experienced.

I miss her love some days, mainly the days I'm needing it most but then I remember ... I am that love now. It's been passed on to me heart emoticon

Love In A Clothes Dryer

You know what I love ...? How every time I use my clothes dryer I am reminded of my mother and her love for me.

We never use clothes dyers and instead always hang our washing on the line. Living where I live it hardly rains and is often warm so it has always worked for us. We therefore viewed it (or more so I agreed to view it) as an expense we didn't need.

It has rained all this week and today I had no choice but to use our clothes dryer and when doing so I felt so grateful (like I have said this gratitude thing hits me anytime, any place). I felt grateful to own a dryer when I remembered why I owned one. My mum bought it.

My other half never would never ever have agreed to spending money on a dryer so my beautiful mum, god bless her, bought me one when my second son was born. She told me it was my baby gift and even apologised at the time for giving me such a crappy gift (which it so clearly wasn't!!)

Mum told me that now we had become a family of 4 I'd be needing it with the amount of washing I'd soon be doing. It sat in the garage for most the time she was alive, too big to fit in our small laundry and was hardly used.

Today however and in the past few years (mainly since she has left) it is used more frequently and every time it is I am reminded of her.

Its funny the things that become dear to you when a loved one passes. Sometimes its something as boring as a clothes dryer.

It has shown me though that we never do know how a gift we give to another will touch someone some day. I never would have thought all those years ago that a clothes dryer would hold as much sentimental value as this one does to me.

Today At The Playgound.

I wanted to share something that occurred today as it’s in relation to what I was saying yesterday about the messages we are sending our children. Although most of us never ever intend to send these messages to our kids we do it so frequently without even realising. Take today for example ….

I decided today to pick my eldest up from school 20 minutes early so that my 17 month old  and 4 year old could play in the playground. Not long after arriving a young boy around 2 years old ran up to  my youngest and gave him the biggest cuddle. It was so big that it became a tackle and knocked him over. My 17 month old fell backwards and hit his head on the ground and the young boy landed on top of him. His mother came running over and began to apologise to me profusely. But what she did next is what upset me.

She began to yell at her son. She told him how naughty what he did was and how bad he is and gave him a little smack on his bottom. As I stood there all I could think of was her son and what he was being taught in that very moment.

I explained to the mother that my son was ok and how beautiful and loving her son was. I explained to her that her son was only trying to cuddle and give my 17 month old love and that it was really sweet. She apologised again saying she doesn’t know what’s wrong with him and walked off.

The rest of the time at the playground all I could think about was what this boy had just learnt. He learnt that seeing someone you like and love and giving them affection is naughty, wrong and makes you bad person. He didn’t mean to knock my youngest over and to fall on top of him he was just a little too enthusiastic with his love, and if you ask me there is nothing wrong with that. The world needs a little more enthusiasm when it comes to love.

This sort of thing happens every day. I too am guilty of it at times, like with Julian and his vegemite and cream and how tempted I was to tell him it was wrong and he was silly for wanting it. We have an important job as parents, the most important of all jobs - we are raising our future. It is our children that will take this world in the direction we want it to go and quite frankly I can see where it’s heading if we continue our old ways …..

Do You Know Best?

Today I gave my youngest boys pikelets for lunch. My 17 month old had Jam and Cream – the only way to have them and my 4 year old, well he wanted vegemite and cream. 

I was about to say no and tell him that he had to have jam and cream as vegemite and cream would be disgusting and that it was a silly idea. But I stopped myself and thought about it and how often I do this. How often I insist that ‘my’ way is the right way. That I know best. I do, but I only know what’s best for ME, not others. 

Personally I couldn’t think of anything worse on a pikelet than vegemite and cream but for my 4 year old perhaps it was the best combo ever. So I made it - vegemite and cream and he ate the whole thing. 

Had I made him what I wanted and thought he should have had what would this tell him? On a deep level it would tell him that he doesn’t know what’s best for him, that he should always do what others tell him to do and not what he wants to do. Not a message I want to be teaching my boys…

I do it so often to, insist my way is right and that I know best, but I’m slowly learning and re teaching myself that I only know what’s best for me and not others.

Bread Crust Can Bring Joy

What I loved today was noticing we had left over bread crusts. I was taking my boys out anyway and decided last minute to take the crusts with us so we could feed the ducks on the way. Simple things. Simple things like feeding ducks breadcrumbs can bring joy to not only the ducks (who were extremely grateful for the feed) but to my boys who felt delight in doing so.

Life really is simple. We only complicate it. Children do not need fancy toys, games or expensive trips away they only need you and us to show them that life is already exciting and that all they’ll ever need is here <3

Favourites

I thought I’d share something I’ve been doing with my kids now for a while. It’s a bedtime ritual we call “Favorites”. Previously I would read a book as I tucked them into bed or tell them a made up story. However one night (about the time I officially started recording my own gratefuls ) I started telling them my favourite thing that happened that day. What had made me happy and what I loved most about the day.

It has since become a nightly occurrence in this house and a must. My boys will not go to sleep without hearing my favourite and sharing theirs. I remember originally doing this one night because I wanted to send my boys off to sleep with happy thoughts so their dreams would be pleasant. However it has since become more than that.

My favourites must always involve them and I now find myself consciously looking out for what will be that night’s favourite. As it’s normally something we do together, if I am unable to think of something I realize that I clearly haven’t spent enough time with them. And when it’s something they have done (such as good behavior or a kind act) it has me focused on the good in them rather than the bad I would usually see, and I have found that I now notice it more.

I absolutely love that we do this and think it’s one of the best things I have incorporated (even if by accident) into our family. It is something that has changed the lives of us all and I’m certain that it has been for the better

The Best Place To Be

Whilst in the kitchen tonight making dinner my eldest son asked me “Mum where is the best place to be” he told me to guess.

As soon as he asked me I had an idea of what his answer would be however I thought I would be smart and cheeky and answered “right here at home with mum”. He said “no” and that I had two more guesses as I had three. I’ll admit a part of me was a little hurt as secretly I was hoping that that was his answer. That his favourite place to be was at home with me.

So as I was running out of guesses I thought I would just guess it, what I assumed was his answer. So I answered “the best place to be is Disneyland or a place with lots of rides and rollercoaster’s”. He said “no”. I was shocked. I honestly thought that would be it.

So I was down to my last guess and I couldn’t think of the best place to be that my eldest (as an almost 7 year old) would want to be.  So I thought I’d answer it with my answer.

I said “the best place to be is with god”.

My eldest then looks at me as says a big “Yes”.

 I couldn’t believe it. I think I almost fainted. First that I had gotten the answer right but more so that this was his answer. Something so wise and well beyond his 6 and bit years.

I later asked my eldest why he had asked this question as it was such a random thing to come out with. I asked him if had learnt this at school today as I assumed he must have had religion today. He said that no one told him this he just knows.

Isn’t that just beautiful. Whether you believe in god or not there is truth in that. That the best place to be is with that part of ourselves that never dies. That part that knows, that source from which we all come,  and from which we will all return. What a beautiful insight by a 6 year old and what a gift it was to me. Bless that boy and his heart so pure.

I Love You All The Same

Tonight when I put my eldest son to bed he asked me a question which I'm actually surprised he hasn't asked until now. He asked me who I loved more, him or his brother.

At first I answered with the typical mum response of "I love you both the same" but then I thought about it some more and told him that it wasn't possible to love him or his brother more. I told him that love is love and that you either love someone or you don't.

You can't love someone more than another person because love can't be measured and love is love. If it can be measured and put on a scale between loving someone a little bit and loving someone a lot then that isn't love. That is liking something or preferring something to another thing. Love is love, you either give it or you don't.

So for me it isn't even possible to love one of my children more than another. Yes you could have 'favourites' I guess and at times 'prefer' one child over another but you can never love one more than another because love isn't something that has varying degrees. Love is love. Your either in or your out.

In case your curious that answer did not satisfy my son. He was so much more confused then when he first asked the question. So I just said as simply as I could. Mum has one heart and one love. I love you all the same.

Make Cleaning Fun (or at least a happy time)

This is what I deal with on a regular basis. This mess and it makes me mad. I get so cranky that my days are spent cleaning it up for it only to get this way and worse the next day and even an hour later.

Today I've decided to look at this differently as I didn't want to be cranky today. So here goes ....

1. Had it not been for this 'mess' and the creation of it then I wouldn't have been able to sit and eat breakfast in peace this morning. Thanks to this mess entertaining my children I didn't have to.

2. Its forced cleaning! Today I will sort these drawers and unit out for good and put things were they belong. The kids have just made it easier for me by pulling everything out. I don't have to do that part anymore :-)

3. Look. I actually have a mess to clean. Yay! That means that I own stuff. There are people in this world who have nothing. Not even a roof over their heads. I should be grateful for this as it means that I have stuff to clean.

4. That this mess is my biggest concern at the moment. How good must my life be if this is what annoys me and pisses me off.

Gee I should do this more often. I feel so much better about this mess now. Try it, try it with anything that gets to you. List some positives out of it. This is something I only just then decided to do then and it has worked.

Note: An hour later I cleaned up that mess (which in fact was much worse than the photo would have you believe) and when I did I actually almost enjoyed it.

A Childs Art

The other day I was looking at a drawing  my 4 year old had drawn me and I had a moment of realization. To me his drawing was perfect. It was what you would expect from a 4 year old, but I then started to think that if an adult had done the exact same picture it wouldn’t be accepted, and certainly wouldn’t be classed as good. It was scribble. 

I thought about this some more and realized art is art. It comes from your heart and is what it is. It isn’t right nor wrong, its just an expression of the artist.

So why is it that if I had drawn that same drawing it would be considered, well ... crap! This is what had me thinking. You see we as adults place judgments and expectations on things, everything. As an adult we would criticize and judge our art and not accept it as a mother does her child's. 

What is the difference between a child's art and an adults? Nothing. The difference is us, the ones that judge it.  

A mother doesn’t judge her child but the question is would she be so kind if it were her own drawing...

I Can Provide

This morning my youngest was whinging at me. Crying and pulling at my legs and feet whilst I was trying to eat breakfast. It was hard not to get annoyed. I knew why he was like this too. He was hungry. He wanted to eat also. So I quickly finished my breakfast as fast as I could and fed him. 

When I was feeding him I thought about all those mothers and parents who are unable to feed their children. Who have no food to feed them and how hard it must be to watch a child of yours suffer in pain and hunger.  It was then that I felt such gratitude that I am able to provide for my children and will never have to watch them go hungry.

Today I send all my love to those who don’t have the choice. Who watch their children on a daily basis suffer in pain and hunger.

Time to Stop Being So Serious..

This morning whilst eating breakfast I did the usual thing I do. I ran over the list of errands and things that need doing today. This soon ended as my attention was  drawn to my young boys playing loudly and being boisterous.

They were laughing, happy and enjoying themselves. For a moment I felt a pang of jealously that I am no longer that free, that I have become old with my list of commands and things to do and this had me thinking ...

I thought for a moment that perhaps I too could be that carefree and not have to attend to my list of things that needed doing, but realistically the dishes need cleaning and our clothes need washing. But perhaps my children and our children are here to remind us that life is about play to. That is isn't all to do lists, jobs and things not fun.

Children play when they play and work then they work. I'm not sure I can say the same about myself. I work when I work but when I play, I'm thinking about the work I should be otherwise doing. I also feel guilty for playing. Crazy. But I'm sure I'm not alone.

So much can be learnt from children. We are not here to teach them, but the opposite. They are here to teach us, to teach us how to enjoy life.
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What do we teach them?

The opposite. We (well I know I do) I tell them what not to do and how to do it. I tell them to be quiet, to stop playing silly games and to not pull apart the couch to make a fort. I must vow to stop this.

What's wrong with being creative and playing loudly? Why should I tell them to stifle their joy to a level more appropriate to my ears!

 On a deeper level this is teaching my children not to express their joy and that you should only feel so much joy before you must stop it.  Not something I want to teach them.

I know why I am this way too. Because its the way I was shown, the way I was taught. This is how adults behave and I'm an adult so therefore I too must behave this way. Slowly I am changing this. I am the mum who joins her kids on the play equipment, who gets her face painted also and who jumps on the trampoline in the rain.

Its time to stop being so serious because I'll warn you now ... you may actually have fun, smile and worse ... enjoy yourself!!

It Isn't Always About Me.

I had a list of things to do today. All involving me. Your probably familiar with such lists. On it was a visit to the shops, cleaning the house, call/visit a friend, facebook time, etc. All these activities were about me and I was either going to drag my kids along with me or expect them to entertain themselves while I attended to the list.

I then stopped and thought to myself  ...

Is this all important?

I immediately answered and found myself saying a huge NO.

What is important is my boys. They are my life. They are mine on loan to guide in this life, to enjoy, to help grow into men. They are not mine to drag around and 'accompany' my life as a sauce does a meatpie.

It was in that moment I decided to devote the day to them. I asked my 4 year old what he wanted to do. He said he wanted to draw. So today I drew. I didn't call that friend, I didn't clean out that cupboard I had promised myself I would and facebook survived without me.

I learnt today. I learnt again that its the simple things that matter in this life. We often make big lists of all things we should be doing. But is it important? Most the time its not. What is important is the memories you make and create not the goals you achieve. That is what I learnt today.

* The photo you see is one of the pictures I drew today with my 4 year old. My boys often draw and give me their creations. Today  I gave my drawing to my 4 year old  and  he  put it here on display. Bless that boys heart <3

Bad Mummy Moment

"Its never too late to make a wrong right "

Is that a quote? It should be.

This morning I yelled at the kids. I felt awful. I am normally cool, calm and never swear at them. This morning however .... I dropped the "F" bomb*. Twice.

As I sat eating breakfast feeling bad about how I just treated the children I began making excuses for myself like "Its because its 10am and you haven't eaten breakfast yet, your just hungry and overreacting".

Then it came to me. "Its never too late to make a wrong right" and in that moment I forgave myself.

Yes we all have bad mummy moments and this was mine. Its done now and I can move on and learn from it.

I got up walked over to my eldest who I had just 'lost it at' and made the wrong right. I kissed him, hugged him, told him I loved him and asked for his forgiveness.

He forgave me.

 In fact he went on to say "but mummy you didn't yell, you weren't mean to me. I love you".

This morning taught me a few things.

1. My eldest child is amazing. Or deaf.

2. That forgiveness heals.

3. That in any moment we can make things better.

  
* Note "The F Bomb" is a term used when someone says that horrible F*ck word.

The Yearning..

I will await you. I will wait an eternity for you, for I already have....

This is how I feel. This is what I have felt from the moment I was born. Well for as long as I have had the conscious awareness of her. She may never be in this lifetime but I will wait.

Its a yearning so strong. One that I could never describe or put into words. Some days are harder than others, when that yearning is stronger. Today is such a day.

However I am ok. I am ok because I believe in a higher power, a bigger plan, god. Whatever it is you call that source of life, the all there is and all that was. For it knows best and always has our best intentions at heart.

We must trust in that source and let life flow the way it does and allow it to take the course it needs to get us to where we are all destined to go.

Today I will trust. I will trust in that higher power. If I am to have a baby girl, my daughter, then one day I will. Until then I will wait.

If not then I will be blessed. Blessed with my three gorgeous sons. Whatever happens I will be happy. I will be happy. I will be grateful.

Living for Today

Whilst reading someones story of their last moments with their mother I was reminded of mine. It was a day and evening I will never forget and one I am so grateful for. Too personal to share and way to emotional to put into words. It was a day that will live with me forever. 

Thinking about it again I realised that it is without a doubt, my favorite moment and experience of my life. That may sound surprising to many of you - that a favourite moment could be the death of someone close to you. But it wasn't like that at all. It was the day I came alive.

I realised in that moment what life is about and it isn't until you face death yourself or witness anothers that you get it. From that day forward I vowed to live. To live for her.

 Many of us will lose someone we love and when that times comes I hope it is in peace as it was for me. The reason it was in peace is because I had no regrets. I had told her what she meant to me and thanked her for everything.

To this day I am just so grateful I got the chance to do so.

Never hold back for tomorrow what you can say or do today as you never know when your tomorrows or anothers will end.

Nicole  xox

My Mother.

Susan Noelene Lanham

32 years ago the woman you are looking at gave me life. 3 years ago her life ended.

Mum you are my hero, my inspiration and my means for everything. Without you there would never have been me and for that I am truly grateful.

You are my grateful. My ultimate gratitude and my reason for being. I love you xxx